The door was abruptly slammed, shut and locked 8 years ago,

6 years ago it was bolted and barricaded...

Eight years ago any semblance of civil family relationship was shattered.  I have to say I was not privy to why it happened this time (it had happened before but not to this extent). I only know it happened and I was on the receiving end of a lot of hatred. 

I suspected it was initiated by someone I had also long suspected was mentally ill.  Out of a respect for privacy that person won't be named. Suffice it to say it's a very close family member.

They were a crippling blow--an emotional sucker punch--those very much on purpose hateful words that cut me off from much of my immediate family.  It took a lot of time and introspection, tears and prayers, to forgive, get over it and get on with life.  But I did.  And I was okay.

Until 2 years later when my nephew died in an accident and the gates of fractured family hell opened seeking to swallow me whole, and a phone call came telling me I was not to attend my nephew's funeral services.  My husband was not welcome either.  This final cruel act was once again orchestrated by that same close family member.

To understand how devastating that act was you would have to understand the relationship I had with my nephew.  I won't go into great detail about that either--there are no words to make you fully understand any ways--but he and I just really got each other.  We loved each other deeply and pretty much unconditionally.  To lose him at the age of 24 was beyond devastating. To not get to formally say goodbye--to see him one last time--well, it was soul crushing.

But again, after much time, introspection, tears and prayers I was able to forgive, get over it and get on with life.  A good life.  A life minus some family members but a good life just the same.

Somewhere deep inside I felt, I hoped, the door that had been abruptly slammed, locked and barricaded may some day finally be left slightly ajar. But as year after year passed that feeling of hope wavered and seemed more like a fairy tale with a cruel ending where no one lived happily ever after.

Until today, 8 very long years later. I received an unexpected email from one of the people who had so abruptly and easily dismissed me from their life as if I never mattered to them in the first place,  as if I was merely unfeeling collateral damage. 

They apologized.  Eight years later they apologized.  Though I knew I had forgiven them years ago, they didn't know.  I took a deep breath and responded, telling them I had indeed forgiven them already and thanked them for the apology.

I want to believe this olive branch was extended so that we could move forward in some sort of healthy relationship.  But I am no fool and I remember past encounters much too well. History has shown that dealing with some of my family members is like using a paper wasp nest as a pinata expecting not to get stung.  Sting me once, shame on you, sting me twice well, you know the rest. 

I have forgiven but it will be hard to trust again.

Still--still, the door is finally ajar and a very slight ray of light now pierces the place that was shrouded in cold, silent darkness for what could have been forever.

I don't know if the door will stay ajar and I also don't know if it will ever be open far enough for me to walk through it.  Some doors are better left closed.  This could very well be such a door.  Time will tell.

I only pray if and when that time comes--if the door is ever fully opened--I will have the wisdom to decide if I should go through it and the courage to face what's on the other side if I do.

  

Shepherdess Blog 

Copyright 2018

Jackie Deems