Don't you wish real life resembled Hallmark Movies?

My husband and I like watching Hallmark Movies together  (please don't tell him I blew his macho man cover).  I think what we like most about them is that they always have a predictably happy ending. 

Hallmark Movies usually make life and relationships look pretty easy and there's normally very little conflict between the characters.  Even when it comes to family.  And what conflict there is can be resolved and neatly tied up with a bow in 90 minutes.  My real life's not even close to resembling that, how about yours? 

Truth be told, life can be difficult and messy and many families seem to have their share of some kind of dysfunction or other issues.  Sometimes it's due to childhood events.  Sometimes it's due to jealousy, personality clashes, addiction, mental illness or a myriad of other real life things.

For many years I  "set myself up" at Christmas and made the long trek north with visions of A Walton's Christmas dancing in my head.  In reality my dysfunctional family Christmases included fights at the Christmas table (or soon after) with 1 or more family member angrily leaving the "festivities" casting a dark cloud of sadness and confusion.

All the wishing and hoping did not change the reality of what my fractured family and life was.  So one by one I put all my shattered hopes and dreams into God's hands.  And you know what?  Over the course of many years He lovingly and painstakingly healed all the places that were hurt and mended the broken pieces that I thought could never, ever be put back together again.

Simply put, He made me whole.

That does not mean I still don't wish that things weren't different.  That does not mean I still don't wish for a Walton Family Christmas or that my real life more closely resembled a Hallmark Movie.

But it does mean that whether I spend Christmas with a house filled with family or am all alone I am OK.  In fact, I am more than OK. It  means I am content with what is.

Dr. Phil has a quote that says, "Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you". I would put it this way,  "Always let God give you what you wish others would give you, the things that only He can truly give".  

People will always fail you (as you do them).  But God never will.  He is the only One who can meet every need and exceed every heart's desire.

By asking God to be your Savior and allowing Him to lead your life your "story" will have a happy ending with Him in Heaven--an ending much better than any Hallmark Movie could ever have.


Shepherdess Blog
Copyright 2017
Jackie Deems

 Then He smiled at me...

I have never really been a fan of the song, The Little Drummer Boy. I guess I'm just not a "Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum" kind of person.

So this past Sunday when our church choir began to sing this song I kind of checked out mentally--at least at first. Then I decided to listen--really listen to the words of the song.  The last verse shook me out of my smug apathy as I internalized (for the very first time), the words "Then He smiled at me".

Really?  God, Jesus, Creator and Savior of the World born of a virgin smiled at you Little Drummer Boy?  I am not sure there was a Little Drummer Boy who came to the manger when Jesus was born, it's not exactly part of the Christmas Story in the Bible.

But that's not the point. The point is, Jesus (God) came to earth in the first place.  He left Heaven--the Heaven he created--to live a short and extremely difficult life just to be murdered in the most brutal and torturous of ways.  This He did for no other reason but to save us, to redeem us as His own if we believe in Him as our Savior and accept His Gifts of Salvation and Eternal Life.

I accepted these Gifts of all Gifts when I was a very young girl.  And you know what?  I have felt God smile at me throughout my entire life.

He smiled at me when I knelt and humbly asked him to be my Savior.  He smiled at me as I poured out my little heart to Him when times were tough.  He smiled at me when I was hurt and asked Him to heal my broken heart.  He smiled at me when I did not know which way to go and so just simply trusted He would lead me. God even smiled at me when I did not make the right decisions because He knew the road I took would always eventually lead back to Him.  

And, He still smiles at me every day of my life because I am His and He is mine!  So simple--so profound.

But that's not the end of the story.  Because one day, when I leave this earth all the "God Smiles" I have seen in my mind's eye and felt in my heart and soul for my entire life will finally give way to seeing God's Face and His Smile--in person!

"In my Father's house there are many rooms.  

If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to 

prepare a place for you?

And if I go and prepare a place for you,

I will come again and will take you to myself,

that where I am you may be also."

John 14: 2,3

Shepherdess Blog
Copyright 2017
Jackie Deems

They are rarely ever really fully seen--these fleeting, forever 
haunting ghosts...

Most of  my life I have thought of "it".  That moment in time whispers stubbornly on the fringe of my subconscious demanding my soul give credence to the reality of what was and is, until I must say it out loud for fear of what happens to me if I don't.

And so I tell "it"...

I was just 13.  A very naive 13 at that.  An incredibly trusting 13-year old girl born in a very small town where everyone knew every one's business.  Or so they thought.

It was my mom's 3rd of 5 marriages and my step dad was an alcoholic.  He was also abusive.  His brothers and dad were what would now be deemed as perverted and predatory in the way they acted and spoke around females of all ages.  Including me.

In my naivete' I neither understood nor wanted to know the meaning of the words they spoke, the way they looked at me.  I knew I felt fear and disgust and very unsafe around them and made it a point never to be alone with or physically close to any of them.

Until the day my step grandfather groped me as he hugged me just a mere foot away from others in the room.  I pulled back wanting to cry out loud but instead managed to remove myself from his grasp without anyone becoming suspicious of anything wrong.

But "it" was already done. That one defining moment of my 13-year-old naive life.  It lasted only seconds but changed who I was and who I would have been. It forever changed who I was as a young girl.  It forever changed who I was as a woman and how I still sometimes initially respond to the touch of a man--even my own loving husband of 36 years.

I told no one. Who could I tell?  My mom would tell my step dad that his father had molested me. Even if she believed me I knew what that would mean since I had no choice but to live in that household.  I did not tell my sisters assuming he would not repeat what he'd done to me with them.  I did not know what sexual predators were and back in that time and place no one in polite society really did.   Or if they knew they did not speak those words out loud.  

I also grew up in an era where we were continually told to dress modestly so we would not give boys any "ideas".  And I heard more than once in my teen years that many times girls are raped because they asked for it by dressing a certain way, as if males were not more than mere animals that couldn't help themselves.

And so for over 40 years I told no one and imagined "it" was just an incident of the past that could not possibly have any place (or lasting effect) on my present or future.

But those fleeting ghosts continued to haunt me, always turning the corner staying just a few steps beyond my mind's eye. 

Until 7 years ago when I finally sought help for issues I did not know were directly and inextricably tied to "it" and two other inappropriate incidences I had endured as a young woman.

That help finally forced me to realize that these events had not only changed who I was and would be, they also affected my relationships and all those who loved me because they too were robbed of the me who never would be.

 And I know now that besides the survivor and perpetrator, there are many "invisibles" or victims of molestation and sexual predation.  Simply put (if there is such a thing in this situation), anyone closely involved with the survivor or predator is also affected on some level by the act, some more profoundly than others.  That means the lives of family, friends, loved ones, colleagues and others are also forever changed once the truth is known.

And I finally know and have internalized that this event, or any life event does not have to forever define me.  It's an event, not a life sentence. I did nothing to cause it. "It" is not who I am.

But most of all I know there is truly only one way these ghosts can begin to finally be exorcised from one's soul.  Exposing them to the bright light of the truth where no ghost can ever survive.

Shepherdess Blog

Copyright 2017

Jackie Deems

Thanks Giving

 

Fall is here and the hint of the coming bitter cold Winter winds nip at the edges of my weary soul... 

It's been a tough year. My husband continues to work 2 very low paying physically difficult jobs after losing his career of 30 years due to downsizing. 

There's an occasional tease of a new higher paying career just beyond his reach that continually slips through his worn arthritic fingers.  These opportunities prove never more than imaginary.  And each time his hopes climb high for what could be--only to be dashed on the icy cliffs of despair.

Though he puts on a brave face the stress of it all is aging him.  He looks 10 years older than the calendar reveals him to be.  He is quiet, more solemn and I watch and pray and encourage.  But he is wounded. His worth, as is the case for most men, is forever entwined with what he does for a living.  And though it's only Fall I feel Winter is already here...

Most of the time we fight the would be prevailing bitter winds together as we look towards what is next.  What is next?  Hopefully another day for us both. But even that is not promised.

And we've learned to laugh at things that would not be funny to most. The laughter helps to hold together (at least for a moment) the frayed edges of 2 very weary souls.

I have also humbly learned to thank God for what He has so graciously given us here on earth:

A home to keep us warm

Food to nourish and strengthen

Dear friends that come alongside us

Encouragement when we most need it 

Kindness when we least expect it

Unexpected blessings

Strength to face each day

Hope for tomorrow

And all these things are enough.  More than enough. For they can't be snatched away by any earthly foes because they are God-Given.

And so, we bow our hearts and souls to God and say,

"Dear Lord, thanks for giving".

Shepherdess Blog
Copyright 2017Jackie Deems

I Married A Stubborn Man

I married a stubborn man!

He stubbornly...

Believes all colors and patterns match when it comes to clothing.  He's color/shade blind and it's oh so very obvious at times.

Brushes (in a very specific way) his almost nonexistent hair so it grows "properly".

Insists I put away (in the correct place) anything I use in his workshop while he leaves things in the house he uses lying  wherever they happen to land.

Will not try new food--ever. 

Exceeds the speed limit because he says the posted speed is really just a "suggestion".

Believes white socks can sometimes be worn with dark colored shoes.

Refuses to admit he forgets things. 

Makes up his own words and claims they are legitimate even though they are not in any dictionary known to man.

Insists on doing things his way even though my way is clearly superior.


I married a stubborn man!

He stubbornly...

Goes to work when he doesn't feel like it.

Does not walk away from our marriage in those times it would be much easier than staying.

Puts up with my family drama.

Puts up with my drama. 

Says he would marry me all over again and that he would not want to go through this life with anyone else.

Knows when I need a hug and when I don't.

Has my back no matter what.

Would give his life to protect mine. 

On October 19, 1981 (and after only 3 months of long distance dating) I married a stubborn man.  And, I thank God--at least most of the time--He gave me this stubborn man.

Shepherdess Blog
Copyright 2017
Jackie Deems

Simply put, my grandparents were the best 
friends I've ever had... 

 

My grandparents, Harley and Vera, were the 2 people who were always there for me.  Grandpa died at the age of 82 and grandma died when she was 96--I was sure she'd make it to 100.  They were married almost 60 years.

As a child, I did not always understand their advice (be it by word or example) but thankfully I held onto it and it has served me more than well as I have navigated through adulthood.

Grandma, grandpa, thanks for your unwavering love, caring and words of wisdom: 

If you don't respect yourself no one else will.

No one's perfect (even you).

A grudge is a very heavy thing to carry.

When it comes to clothing, more is always better.

Don't judge people, you never know what they 
are going through. 

Always tell the truth/be trustworthy.

Please and thank you will never go out of style.

Choose kindness. An act of kindness is never 
wasted no matter how small.

All life (human or otherwise) deserves love.

Apologize whenever necessary.

Always fight for the underdog.

People will treat you the way you allow them to.

Complaining doesn't change your situation, 
taking action does.

The world doesn't revolve around you--get
over it.

It's OK to be wrong--admit it when you are.


Speak when spoken to.

Forgiving someone doesn't cost a thing except
 maybe a bit of pride.

Expect the best from yourself/always do
 your best.

Always try a little bit of each type of food
on your plate when someone is kind enough
to cook for you.

Never give up.

You only have one life so make it count for something good.

Courtesy and good manners don't cost anything 
but a little effort. 

God made each of us for a reason so figure out why He put you here.

Most boys want to marry a lady so be one.

The friends you choose can change who you are for better or for worse so, choose wisely.

It's OK not to be OK sometimes.

You don't have to say (out loud) everything 
you're thinking.

Always stand up for what's right, even if you're 
left standing alone.

Money can't buy you true love or make you
truly happy.

Choose your spouse wisely and stick together 
through the hard times.

Always wait for the boy to open the door.

Sooner or later everyone will disappoint you--as you will them.  Get over it.

Life is unfair.  It just is.  But it's also beautiful.

You have tear ducts for a reason--use them, 
you'll feel better afterwards.

Love people not stuff.

Laugh often--don't take yourself too seriously.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

Be thankful for what you have.

Everyone fails, when you do just pick yourself 
up and try again.

Worry gets you nowhere and is a total waste 
of time.

It's never OK to physically abuse a person or animal. 

Don't be afraid to dream big.  It's almost never 
too late to be what you might have been.

Don't procrastinate when it comes to important things.  You're not promised tomorrow.

You can't demand respect, you must earn it.

Forgive others even if they don't apologize.


No matter what you do there is always someone 
who will find fault with it.   

  When you give your word, keep it.

Don't pretend to be someone you aren't.

Spoken words can never be taken back.

Always check yourself in a full-length mirror 
before leaving the house.

Listen more than you talk.

If you want to have friends be friendly.

There is always someone worse off than you.
Always.

Don't let anyone or anything steal your joy.

Church is filled with imperfect people.
Attend regularly anyways.

Shepherdess Blog
Copyright 2017
Jackie Deems

Grieving the Living 

I come from a dysfunctional family.  Extremely dysfunctional. There, I said it out loud.  Put it in writing.  Sent it into cyberspace for all to see, critique, condemn and criticize--to gasp at and gossip about...

Truth be told most everyone has at least a taste of dysfunction of sorts somewhere along the way in their life.  In my case, dysfunction was the way we were brought up and lived.  It was our non-stop steady diet.

My parents had 8 marriages between them which imprisoned my 3 siblings and I in a minefield of abuse, violence, alcoholism, anger, chaos and adult situations at a very young age.  Each of us chose a different way to survive our ever-changing circumstances which did not encourage or allow closeness as a family.  

As we got older we attempted to bond with the help of our spouses and children and it worked (at least on the surface) for a while. But after some time and once the false veneer had worn off on the edges we were still those kids our childhood had created struggling again to make it through each day.

For years we held onto Christmases together as a last semblance of family but even those were fraught with heated arguments before, during or after Christmas Dinner.  Each year my husband and I spent hours on the road getting to our Christmas gatherings foolishly expecting The Walton's Christmas.  Our Christmas reality included verbal machetes and bullets of unresolved anger. So we quit making the trip.

As is usually the case in families, we all did things that were wrong as we made our way through that minefield--we all stumbled, we all made bad choices, we all fell.  But some never forgave and the healing words, "I'm sorry" were left unspoken too many times for too many years.  And it became more important to be the one who was right than to be the ones who were together.

Ultimately the choices we made robbed future generations of joining in the lives of cousins, nephews, nieces, aunts and uncles. 

Determined not to allow my past to affect my future any more I closed off that part of my heart that was marked "family" and went on without them.  And as I was living this life without them for many years--a good life mind you--I did not do 2 things: grieve them and forgive them.  

I knew it was normal to grieve for the dead but I never realized there was also a time and place to grieve the living and all that was and will be missed: weddings, babies, graduations, birthdays, holidays and just the commonalities shared by families.  

Once I began to allow myself to grieve what I had never had and what likely will never be--a loving, healthy relationship with my family--I was able to let go of the past in a healing way.  It was a process, not a one time OK this is over kind of event.  There were times of sadness, frustration, anger, and other emotions that go along with the grief process.  And every once in a while there's still a little tugging at my heart for what was lost and a wish for what could be if only...

The forgiveness part has been harder for me, I think that's true for most of us. Forgiveness too is not usually a one time OK this is over kind of event.  We can all wax eloquently about how we were wronged and how we have the right to be angry--and we do for at least a short time.  But anger is not a place to live and usually hurts no on but ourselves and the ones who live closest to us. 

It also hurts our relationship with God.  And as I recite The Lord's Prayer I cannot frivolously skip over the part that says, "and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matthew 6:12). When I speak those words I am literally telling God that He should forgive me to the same extent I have forgiven others. A straight to the heart sobering statement if ever there was one.

How does forgiveness happen?  I suppose there are many ways to answer that question.  What works for one may not work for another.  But in my own simplistic way I just ask God to help me forgive--sometimes albeit grudgingly.  Simply asking God to help has quite simply helped me to forgive. 

And I also pray for the person I need to forgive.  Sometimes it starts out as a "You know I really don't want to pray good things for them, Lord, help me to see them as You do" prayer but somewhere along the way--sometimes much, much later--it turns into a true prayer of concern and compassion from a forgiving heart.

Out of the ashes of my past life God, in His mercy, has allowed the restoration of my relationship with my brother and his family.  These are relationships I cherish and am more than thankful for.  They have given me a sense of family even if it's just in a long distance sort of way.  I know they are there.  I know they care.  I know they understand the past.

I don't share this to gain pity but with the hope that it may help someone else in the midst of trying to grieve and forgive.  Truth be told, sooner or later that would be all of us. 

Shepherdess Blog
Copyright 2017
Jackie Deems